TRUMP APOLOGIZES

Editor's note: It is with great disappointment, we present to you the following statement issued by President Donald J Trump, regarding his actions taken during his first administration. 

TRUMP

Statement by Donald J. Trump, 45th President of the United States

My fellow Americans, it is with mixed emotions that I write this message. I am very proud to announce the conclusion of a project I have undertaken these last several months. 

I have completed a semester of courses in Remedial Writing and an Introduction to Political Science at Palm Beach State College (Go Panthers!), both to demonstrate the importance of education to my young son, Barron, and also to better understand the outcomes of time serving as your President.
 
My family's money and influence distracted from the schooling of my youth. I was never educated, or evaluated, in a thorough and objective manner most students experience. I now wish I had come into the Presidency with more knowledge and exposure to a variety of topics. 

While this recent endeavor in academics has given me great satisfaction, examining my presidential legacy, through the lens of my recent education, has given me cause for concern. I wish to discuss here some of the positions I held and decisions I made, while explaining the context of those moments and my feelings about them now. 

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First, and perhaps foremost, I want to address my proposed ban on Muslim foreign nationals entering the United States. I confess to, even now, not having a very sophisticated grasp of international diplomacy, which was even more nascent in 2015. 

To be frank, I didn't even know what a Muslim was at the time. I had a vague notion that Islam was a country and Muslims were citizens of that country. I thought, "Well, if the terrorists are all Muslim, why are we letting anyone from Islam even enter the country?". It turns out it's a whole religion, comprised of 1.8 billion followers, from a multitude of countries, around the world.

In retrospect, it's probably for the best that my executive order was ultimately struck down by the courts. I mean, talk about your slippery slopes! Can you imagine if I had set a precedent for banning people from entering the country, based solely on their religion? Are you a Muslim? No? Prove it! Give objective evidence you are not a Muslim. Not so easy, right? 

Imagine your name goes on the list of Muslims and the burden of proof lies upon you to show otherwise, just so you can enter the country and be together with your family. That's troublesome enough but, now think of the prospect of religious bans being expanded to whatever group future leaders happen to disagree with at the moment. 

Even if you love ME, imagine Joe Biden now gets to write a list of thought crimes that preclude you from entering (or re-entering) the country. Still feeling good about a "Muslim ban"?

There's no easy way to say it; that was just a completely bad idea.  

Spread the ME​SSAGE!!!

Let me state something, which may seem obvious to some but, I did not give much thought to as I began my administration; there is no test you have to pass to become president. 

Sure, there is the challenge of the election but, after the votes are counted and the oath is sworn, you're just The President, with only the knowledge and ability you have at the time. 

Nobody teaches you how ​to be the president. You get briefings but, if you come in lacking knowledge of the fundamental roles and responsibilities of the president, it's like walking into the middle of a movie. I had no idea what was going on! I was unprepared and, I now know, unqualified.

How then, you might ask, was I so confident in my capability to lead the nation? Well, the fact is, if you are surrounded by stupid people, you feel relatively smart. Though it pains me to say it, my grown children are very, very stupid. 

When I learned my eldest son had taken a meeting with Russian operatives at the Trump Tower, during my presidential campaign, even I recognized the implications and impropriety of such an event. I am ashamed of my son, for a variety of reasons, but I am also protective of him and feared there might be legal consequencences to his idiotic actions.

I honestly never sought to collude with Russia on any aspect of the 2016 campaign but, I feel part of the blame falls to me, as I never sought to nurture what little intellectual gifts Donald Jr. brought with him into this world. 

So, as president, I knew the optics of firing James Comey were going to be terrible but, it was my first-born son being targeted for prosecution. I did what I had to do, as a father, and I'm honestly amazed there have been little to no repercussions for me. 

Do you know what obstruction of justice is? I heard the term a lot in the White House but, only truly learned the definition a few weeks ago. I think I may have done some obstruction of justice when I fired the head of the FBI while he was investigating me and my family. Honestly, I think I obstructed justice a few other times too. 

Here's something you probably don't even know about yet. Remember when I went to North Korea, saluted one of their generals, and treated Kim Jong Un like the cool son I never had? Well, it gets worse. I gave them some land. 

Most of the islands off the coast of Alaska. Pretty much everything West of the Aleutian Islands, they're North Korea now. I mean, no one has really noticed but, it still feels kind of wrong and I'm pretty sure I didn't even have the authority to do it. It is going to be a whole mess trying to get them back now though. That's for sure.

You know what I'm really kicking myself over? The Ukraine call. That quid pro quo I got my first impeachment for. In the business world, something like that wouldn't raise an eyebrow but, I realize now that it was an act unbecoming of the leader of the free world. 

The worst part is, that only became a thing because I did it in front of so many people. Some of the stuff I did in secret was maybe worse. I probably shouldn't even mention it but, I tried to have Lorne Michaels deported back to Canada when Saturday Night Live was really giving me a hard time. 

Sometimes when a poor country needed aid, and I didn't think they had anything useful to offer me, I just made their ambassador eat weird stuff. Like they have to eat 1 leaf off all the plants in the office. 

I'm trying to be a better person now. 

OK, this one I'm not going to be able to fully explain but I want to mention it while it's on my mind. Remember when I put my hands on that glowing orb alongside the president of Egypt and the King of Saudi Arabia? 

Well that caused 2 different species of birds to go extinct. I forget the details but at one point it was laid out to me very clearly. I knew it would happen ahead of time. 

I feel awful about it now.  

Most people probably want to see me take blame for my inaction in response to the outbreak of Covid-19. Could I have done a better job? Obviously. But hindsight is 20/20 and no modern president had really dealt with a global pandemic. I take some comfort in the honest fact that my Covid-19 response WAS NOT INTENDED TO ACTIVELY HARM ANYONE.

People think I could have told people to behave a certain way and they would have done it. Have you met my supporters? They basically act ONLY against their own self interest. They voted for me to take away the money for their schools and roads, just to build an absurd wall on the Southern border. (Oh God, The Wall, I don't even have time to get into The Wall). Anyways, most of these people have enough trouble reading traffic signs, much less digesting nuanced public health advisorsies.

In the end, I'll take the blame for some preventable deaths, in the range of the 10's of thousands. Not the 100's of thousands some want to pin on me. 

It's not even that bad, when compared to my foreign and domestic policies, the lasting effects of which will cause the death and suffering of millions of people for decades to come. I don't even know which will turn out to be worse, the aid and comfort I gave to actual dictators or the huge steps backward we took from a coordinated international effort to address critical environmental issues.

I'll conclude here with the January 6th insurrection. 

Did I encourage a feverish mob of my supporters to go attempt to capture and eat Mike Pence? 

Yes. 

Did I think doing so would prevent the election of Joe Biden? 

Not really. 

So why do it? 

I thought it would be funny.

What I appreciate now, which I didn't then, is the importance of the peaceful transition of power, in our tradition of democratic governance. If I had to have guessed, at the time, how many presidents just handed over power to the next guy, without telling their supporters to go physically attack anyone, I would have put it at maybe 50%.

You know how many presidents actually just handed over the office, without complaint? ALL OF THEM!!! Except me, I guess. Turns out that's a pretty important part of being president. We learned this the first week of Intro to Poli Sci at PBSC (Go Panthers!). 

I admit it. I acted like a jerk.  

So, what's next for me, Donald Trump, private citizen? 

Most former presidents have a legacy to nuture, so future leaders can aspire to follow their paths. I regretfully concede that my administration can only serve as a cautionary tale, of ignorance and hubris, leading to rampant corruption, deepening division in our society, and the deterioration of our democracy. 

I now seek to retire from public life and attempt to mitigate some portion of the shame I carry, by quietly using my remaining financial resources to attempt to repair the damage I have caused our country. 

For the first time, I can declare my love for our country, as a real patriot, with a true understanding of what those words mean. 

God bless you and God bless the United States of America. 

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